After almost 5 weeks of ice buckets and slaps, of waking and dozing off again, I have finally brought myself to sit up at my bedside. I have brought myself to realize that life won’t cease urging me to awake; it won’t give in to my stubbornness of hiding under the sheets and going over what happened in my dreams.
The morning sun has begun to shine through the heavy curtain that shades my room disguising the day that has commenced. Though I haven’t fully arisen, I’m starting to appreciate the warmth of the soft rays that are able to peek through the slits of my window.
A constant urging nudges within but in spite of this, I linger on at my bedside to muse over the night that was, not to cry over or to be sorry for but this time to smile and cherish…
I’ve been sitting in my bed with a glass on my hand. Trying to figure out a way for me to understand to this talk we just had. Questions I have asked somebody yesterday, about the sadness in your eyes. From the biggest smile are you facing away? Questions I have asked some about how you feel. Only eyes reveal. Your answers are for real. But I can’t read your mind, not this time. I just want to know what you’re going through. I don’t feel wrong about asking you. But, I can’t read your mind, not this time. There were times when you don’t want to say. But there are problems in your head that you can’t explain. I have been that way. Maybe there’s a hug or a kiss or two, but, not forever do. If only I’d reach you. Maybe I’m a child. Maybe I’m a woman. Maybe I am old. Maybe I sense something, the reasons to push me away. Maybe I have laughed, maybe I have cried. But never did I try to put hurt on your side. But I can’t read your mind, not this time.
I’m going on my third week of silent madness. It still is crazy. It’s taking more time and more effort for me to bounce back.
After almost seven years of being with someone, I have completely dismissed the fact that I could ever tread life alone. It seems that I have been utterly tenable to the comfort of knowing that my someone will forever be able to shield me and forever catch me when I need to find solace when the world decides to be cruel at times. I have unlearned to trust myself and to rely on the sturdiness of my own feet.
I guess time has its own way of sending its wake up call. It may be harsh but then again, wake up calls are like that… it’s meant to shake you up even if you’re in the midst of your deepest and sweetest slumber. So, time has chosen to throw ice-cold water right in my face this time. Maybe, so I could get up on my feet and face another day. Sad to say, its taking more of a bucket of water and a few slaps on the face to bring me back from the depths of the life I’ve adapted to.
My bessy told me to take things one at a time. The very essence of that has made me look forward to tomorrow. The moment I live now is a constant reminder that I have survived the moment a while ago, no matter how hard it was, no matter how hard it is.
While its true that I’ve forgotten to live life without the crutches on my legs, I am beginning to learn to walk by myself again….. maybe.
